A few things in life, when they happen, make a very prfound effect on you. How much ever you try to think about the positive side of what has happened, it still is very difficult to ignore what's infront of your eyes.
One such thing is death - most of all, death of a loved one.
Touchwood and I am not even sure if I should be saying this [God forgive me, if it is wrong] but I have never really known the pain of losing a loved one. A very happy childhood with everybody around me - uncles, aunts, grandparents from both sides, lots of cousins - I had everyone that I could possibly wish for. There were a couple of long distance relatives that did pass on, but then, they were not the close-to-heart types.... so never felt the pinch of it.
The first time it really hit me was March 17, 2007. I was out of country, when I received a call early in the morning from family that a very close family friend had passed on to the next world. He was actually not even a relative, but one of those people who are, for namesake family friends, but are actually closer to your heart more than anyone else. He was a very good friend to anybody & everybody who knew him and for us, with whom he was closer than anyone else, it was a huge shock.
He used to come & go from our house at his will & wish. He knew I worked in the nights & I slept in the afternoons. Whenever he came home in the afternoons, he would make it a point to wait for me to get up from my sleep and will leave only after he asks me how I was doing and how life was. I knew I would really miss not seeing him anymore, and that while the whole family was there to bid him the final goodbye, I was the only one away and it hurt. It REALLY hurt! But in a way, I kind of thought it was good that I was away. I wouldn't have ever liked it to see him lifeless and say good bye to someone who was the most liveliest person I knew.
And March 17 this year, until I received a message from their family that they were holding a bhajan in memory of him, on his first anniversary, I did not even remember that March 17 was when he passed away. I realised then - the whole thing hadn't even got registered in my mind - till now. Somewhere, I have somehow been going around thinking.. "oh that uncle? He is somewhere na?" Only, it's difficult to suddenly remember that somewhere is not a place easily
reachable for us....
And this morning, another close friend's father passed away. He has been sick for sometime and was in & out of hospital. My friend works in Uk and had come down in December for a month's holiday. But he had to extend it by another month since his father suddenly fell sick and he had to stay back. He left for work at around the same time in February and barely a month later, he had to come back on a very short notice from his family that his father's health was deteriorating. He arrived at 12 midnight and around 12 afternoon, his father passed away.
All the way to their home, I was telling myself - God wants it like this - it's better to move on than suffer so much - I should not feel bad, since he has only left this world to reach God's world and all those things. But the scene there and seeing my friend cry, his brother cry & his mother cry - it all came rushing. All those efforts till then to see the brighter side of death vanished. And it being the first time I was seeing death from such close quarters, it really came to me then - somethings in life have that really disturbing effect on you! And when you are also made a part of that setting, it disturbs you to no end!
I am yet to talk to my friend, but am not sure if I want to either, at this point of time. I am sure he would start crying and then I wouldn't have anything to say to him and then, I will also end up crying.
It's been a disturbing day since morning today. Somehow, the thought that he was coming back on such short notice was picking on my brain and I was only hoping no bad news comes through. But alas....
And now hoping the family realises... This too shall pass....
and until then - May God give strength to his family!
[Just a passing thought.. what would it be like if we knew about an impending death quite sometime before it actually happens.. say, we know it's going to happen after a month or two or something like that? Don't you think it will atleast give us time to say our goodbyes well and prepare ourselves well for their absence in the future too? Won't it become a little more easier for us to accept the loss than having to face things with a blank yet disturbed mind, when things like this happen all of a sudden? When you are not even given the chance of telling that person how much you love him/her and the final goodbye - one last time before they leave?]
[I am not even sure if any of this makes any sense when you are reading, but I had to do something to get the heaviness off my heart.]
Writing this one is
